Lady GaGa and Beyonce: "Telephone"

In this horrible decade of mediocrity that we live in, which couldn't be wished away by all the people who celebrated its end two and a half months ago, there lives a magical princess named Lady Gaga. She created her name from a Queen song - one of their later, tamer songs, not their early and truly good ones.Well, she couldn't very well call herself Lady Liar or Lady Mustapha, could she?

And while her idol Freddie Mercury was burning himself out on sex drugs and rock'n'roll, she was getting a good musical and religious education, to prepare her for her first record deal at the age of 19. And even though she had all the right role models, all she could ever write for herself were boring little pop bubbles that make a ga-ga-ga noise in your ear. Fortunately for her, she also had a real talent for design, which helped her make some great looking videos for her not-so-great songs, and made her very famous and successful indeed.

But, the princess couldn't stay in her little bubble of success; she had dreams of being Tarantino, Oliver Stone, Ridley Scott. But instead of trying to create her own Kill Bill, Natural Born Killers or Thelma and Louise, she thought it was enough to reference their aesthetics, in a nice safe way that was in no danger of making little girls run away from home and shoot people.

And so, in Lady Gaga's new video "Telephone" she's in a prison, where all the inmates are wearing her cool costumes. And she is naked in her cell, but only to disprove the rumors that she is a hermaphrodite. And she dresses like Madonna and kisses a woman, but only the one that looks most like a man. And she is released by her lover, but she is let out, she doesn't break out in an insane bloodbath. And her lover is the sexiest pop star in the world - Beyonce - but she'll never kiss her, because Beyonce does look like a woman, and besides everybody knows that she's married to a scary thug. Instead they have a weird little dialogue in which Beyonce isn't allowed to use any "cuss" words. And their car says "Pussywagon", but they probably didn't get it from the hospital rapist. And they end up in a diner, where they poison a guy - the most "female" crime of all - they most certainly don't stab or shoot or beat anyone to death. Instead, they dance. And at the end they hold hands and together decide to not jump into the Grand Canyon. After all, how can you "be continued" if you die in the end?

Perhaps if George Carlin had been among Gaga's inspirations, she would've been exposed at some point to his "It's not enough to know which notes to play, you gotta know why they need to be played", and we would've been spared this roaring rampage of regurgitation.